Childcare 101
by MidnightBlueDragon
Summary: When Nightwing and Red Hood manage to accidentally turn Tim into a three year old, they thought that things couldn't get any worse. They were wrong of course. Now they must take care of their baby brother while trying to fix the mess that they made, all while avoiding the rest of superhero community, most of whom want to kill them for their stupidity.


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

**For those of you who read _A League of Our Own,_ I promise you that I'm still working on it. I'm just a little...stuck. It should be out as soon as I manage to rip myself away from it.**

**I had this idea a while ago and found it on my computer recently. And since I refuse to miss an opportunity to torture the Batfamily, here we are!**

**Review and tell me what you think!**

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Chapter 1: Pay Attention to Your Kid

Red Robin groaned as he watched Red Hood and Nightwing get into another fight, this time about Nightwing's driving. He sunk back in the backseat of the Batmobile (which they had hijacked since Bruce was out of town for the next few weeks) and reviewed the information that Proxy had sent them, trying to tune out his brothers' fighting as much as possible. The only good thing about tonight's mission was that they had conveniently left Damian at home, having deemed this mission too dangerous for him. In other words, Red Robin would not have been able to keep an eye on Nightwing and Red Hood if he was too busy bickering with Robin.

"Why is it taking so long?" Red Robin muttered off-handedly out loud and instantly regretted it. As soon as the words had escaped his lips, he had Nightwing scowling at him through the mirror and Red Hood in between snickering and glaring at their older brother.

"Because this idiot is a goody two shoes who can't even be at the speed limit!" Red Hood complained.

"Shut up," Nightwing gritted his teeth, "Why the hell did you even come along?"

"I was bored," Red Hood answered simply with a smirk triumphantly placed on his lips. He enjoyed pissing off Nightwing and this was no exception, even if their slow pace was aggravating him to no avail.

"I'll show you b—" Nightwing began but Red Robin cut him off sharply.

"Guys!"

"What?" Nightwing and Red Hood snapped annoyed.

"Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate," Red Robin ordered. The two young men were quiet for a good fifty seconds before Red Hood decided that he needed to once again voice his aggravation that they were going below the speed limit when they were trying to get the villain while they were still young. Closing his eyes behind his cowl, Red Robin knew that he should have taken that Tylenol before they had left the cave.

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Morgan La Fey waved one hand over the locked door and instantly it was gone. She slid into the museum and moved towards the center case. She was not at ease at all, constantly looking over her shoulder, as if she was waiting for someone to sneak up on her. The witch went about her business in a hasty manner, wanting desperately to get out of there as soon as possible with what she came for. Using her magic, Morgan La Fey made the display case disappear, leaving only the purple gem in the cushion. Gently, she lifted the gem in her gloved hands, sighing as she did so.

"You know..." The witch's eyes widened at the male's voice, her grip on the gem increasing. Her lips pursed into a tight frown. "I'm offended that you weren't worried about us."

"I know, right," a second voice cut in. Narrowing her eyes, Morgan La Fey slipped the jewel into her sleeve. As she did so, Nightwing and Red Hood stepped out of the shadows, landing between the exit and the jewel case. The former crossed his arms over the blue symbol on his chest, a smirk plastered on his lips as he spoke, "But you were only worried about your boy, now weren't you, Morgan." Nightwing tilted his head to one side, his smirk becoming a grin. "I can call you that right, Morgan?"

The woman was silent; instead, she raised her hand and vines began to grow wildly around them, trying to attack the two young men who were immediately battle ready. Red Hood took out two guns, twirling them around his wrists, as his eyes danced around the room, trying to find the best way to defeat the beastly shrubbery. "Nah, Nightwing, I don't think this lady has fallen prey to your charm."

"That's because she hasn't seen my asset," Nightwing winked at his brother behind the mask, but knew the younger man had gotten the message. "If you know what I mean." He flipped over the vines, avoiding their attacks with acrobatic skill that he had perfected over the years.

Rolling his eyes behind his helmet, Red Hood began to shoot at the vines, "Unfortunately, we all know what you mean." The vines became angrier and more aggressive. Running out of bullets, Red Hood cursed as he had to back flip to avoid a vine that was coming towards him. As he used his acrobatics to avoid getting impaled by the killer vines, he was able to refill his bullets, ready for the next round.

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Mordred threw open the doors of the museum, pissed as he realized what his mother was doing. He was ready to destroy anything that got into his way of stopping his mother. And now that meant the red and black hooded figure that stood before him. The blonde boy stopped and put his hands on his hips, sneering at the teen standing before him.

"What are you supposed to be?" Mordred demanded. "I thought all you Gotham heroes stuck to the shadows."

"We do," Red Robin took out his bo staff and extended it. "But if I learned anything about dealing with magic, it's best to take it head on."

"Stupid boy," Mordred snarled, "You've only battled Klarion! And he's nothing compared to me!" The blonde used his magic to bring the suits of armor lining the wall to life. Red Robin quickly counted how many suits there were and instantly determined how long it would take for him to take them down. He decided that he would toy with them a little, giving his brothers extra time to deal with Morgan La Fey. After all, his job was to distract Mordred and keep him from an all-out magic war with his mother that would no doubt destroy all of Gotham in one blow.

Instead, the seventeen year old boy took his sweet time, taking out each and every suit of armor. Letting out an angry string of curses every time one of them broke, Mordred would put it back together with his magic before readmitting it to the battle. Every time a fallen knight rose again, Red Robin felt like cursing the magician out, but knew better than to provoke a magic wielder when he was already pissed.

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"Seriously, you know that you wouldn't have this problem if you were a better mother," Nightwing said a-matter-of-factly as he flipped over a vine, successfully managing to get the vines to knot themselves up. Stepping back and looking pleased with himself as he examined his work, Nightwing didn't notice as Red Hood jumped next to him, shooting the tied vines to make sure that they stayed down.

Unable to stop himself, Red Hood snickered, "Yeah, how hard is it to keep your own son in check, Morgie?" Dodging a vine that was aimed for his heart, Red Hood laughed, "You should really take a class."

"But, Hood," Nightwing chuckled as he threw a batarang at a vine that was about to attack Red Hood, "She's been doing this for hundreds of years now. And since she's still a suckish mother, I guess there really isn't any hope for her."

"It's really sad. She's supposed to be like the greatest witch ever or something," Red Hood added cheekily, "And yet a mere boy can defeat her."

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen."

"ENOUGH!" Morgan La Fey's voice boomed through the museum. As the word escaped her lips, the vines began to disappear, leaving Nightwing and Red Hood to wonder what was going to happen next. The angry witch glared daggers at them as her first curled into a ball. "You two think that it's easy to raise a child? Then I believe it's time that you two take a class! You'll regret speaking that way to me!" She snarled before she disappeared with the gem.

"Crap," Nightwing sighing, realizing that they had messed up this mission.

"Frick," Red Hood growled, thinking about the looks that Red Robin was going to give them on the way home. And then number of times that he was going to say I told you so.

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When his mother suddenly appeared in front of him, Mordred took a few steps back, surprised. The next thing he knew, there was a cold gem pressed to his forehead and he was lost in a world of dreams. "It's time to go, son," Morgan La Fey whispered, gently stroking her son's hair before poofing away.

As the purple smoke cleared in the place of where the two magicians were standing, Nightwing and Red Hood ran into the room to find that the two villains were gone. "CRAP!" Red Hood yellowed loudly, glaring out of the corner of his eye to his older brother who didn't look happy at this turn of events.

The Nightwing realized that there was something else missing: their little brother, "Red Robin! Where are you?" He yelled, repeating this over and over again. When he got no reply, Nightwing ran a hand through his messy hair, deep in thought, trying to figure out what had happened to his brother and if he should be getting worried. It was Tim, after all, and the kid was pretty damn good at getting out of messes without Nightwing's help.

Meanwhile, Red Hood was cursing out loud, not only had they managed to let Morgan La Fey away but somehow they had lost Red Robin as well. He knew he shouldn't have tagged along; Batman was going to be extra annoying about this one and he didn't particularly feel in the mood for a bat lecture. "Nice going, Nightwing," Red Hood growled, "Is this how all your missions end?"

"Shut up!" Nightwing retorted, pissed. "If anything this is your fault! You shouldn't have even come along in the first place! No one invited you!"

"Believe me, I wish I hadn't," Red Hood crossed his arms over his chest and the two brothers were now locked in a glare war. Nightwing was the first to pull away, letting out a deep sigh as he murmured that arguing was pointless and they had to find Tim right away or figure out where he went. Just as he was about to open his mouth again to insult his older brother, Red Hood heard something that sounded almost like a meow from behind one of the cases.

Silently, he went to go check it out. And as he peered behind the pedestal, he instantly wished he hadn't. "Uh, Nightwing, we have a problem." The older hero turned around to see what his brother was talking about, only to see Red Hood, self-proclaimed anti-hero who refused to play by Batman's rules and was literally in love with his guns, was holding a small bundle of black fabric. Upon closer inspection and when it squirmed, Nightwing realized that inside the bundle was a black haired three year old.

Swallowing, Nightwing tried to level his voice, "Okay, maybe, this isn't as bad as we think it is. Maybe that's not even Tim?"

"Really?" Red Hood inquired, his voice dead pan, "What other black haired, blue eyed toddler would be in the middle of a museum at one in the morning?" He demanded, getting more and more pissed, barely noticing as the small kid in his arm tried to climb up his jacket.

"We're so screwed," Nightwing groaned out loud.

"Scoowed!" Baby Tim repeated with a giggle.

"You think?" Red Hood growled at the baby who just blinked before bursting out into giggles.

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**Review and tell me what you think!**

**And a little spoiler for next chapter: Baby Tim is the least of Jason and Dick's problems.**

**Hehe.**


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